What do u call a man who doesn't use CONDOMS?
Ans:- Daddy.

Digestive system is a process which starts with right hand and ends with left hand ......

Some Definitions : -

• School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
• Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
• Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
• Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
• Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
• Father: A banker provided by nature.
• Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
• Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
• Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
• Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
• Classic : Books, which people praise, but do not read.
• Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
• Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
• Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
• Etc .: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
• Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
• Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Excerpt from Danielle Steel's Autobiography: It took me twenty years to discover I had no talent for writing and even less imagination. But I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous and rich.

One Good Insult : -

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

:-)

The movie industry is not up to the times yet. They rate movies R, meaning 'children under 17 are not admitted without parents.' But children under 17, these days, are parents.

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

Don't argue with your wife in the kitchen, Coz she knows where everything is and you have no clue..... :-)

They say teaching sex education in public schools promotes promiscuity. With our educational system? If they teach it the way they teach science and math, there is nothing to worry about.

People really don't think through this recycling business. The wrapper on your FastFood ( Guess) hamburger might have been used to blow a nose or clean something else.. lol

At one of his plays, a heckler shouted at George Bernard Shaw, "Your play stinks. It is a disgrace." Shaw walked up slowly on to the stage and replied, "Oh, yes, I agree with you completely. I think it stinks too. But then, who are we two to argue with the majority?" The crowd, absolutely loved it

G. K. Chesterton and George Bernard Shaw, two leading literary figures in the annals of history, were also compatriots. Chesterton was a heavy gentleman, in contrast with Shaw who was lanky. Once Chesterton chanced upon Shaw at a club and said jokingly, "Looking at you, Shaw, one would think a famine had hit England." Came this quick riposte from Shaw, "Looking at you, Chesterton, one would think you caused it."

" What is fortification?" " Two twentifications!"

My baby just crossed two and my wife and I started potty training. Which I think is important because when we want to potty train the baby, we should set an example

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When the same thing happens to a man, he will assume the clothing has shrunk

The History of Medicine
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.

• some novels are not to be tossed aside lightly. They should be thrown with great force..
• P-Spot: The spot on the wall a man looks at while relieving himself in a restroom
• Least Busy Employee: Manager of the complaint department at the parachute packing plant
• Maxims for the Internet Age: 1. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 2. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 3. The geek shall inherit the earth. 4. What boots up must come down. 5. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to browse the web and he won't bother you for weeks.
• To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all
• Any married man should forget his mistakes -- what's the point two people remembering the same thing?
• Why do people go eat ice cream and other such stuff when they are stressed? Well, spell 'stressed' backwards
• My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion." He said, "Alright. You're ugly too!"
• What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses???
• My Son asked me one time, "Daddy, before you married Mommie, who told you how to drive ?"
• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was
• Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
• I mailed my photograph and a short personal description to the Lonely Hearts Club, a group to facilitate relationships. After a few days, the picture came back with a note attached that said, "We're not that lonely"
• At a recent computer software engineering course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your company's programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his company's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone takeoff

Cheers...

1. Make love, not war, or do both -- get married.
2. A lot of people wonder how one can tell if he is truly in love. It's simple. Ask yourself, "Do I mind being financially destroyed by this person?" If the answer is yes, you are!
3. If you want my opinion on the mystery of life and all that, I can give it to you in a nutshell: the universe is like a safe to which there is a key. But the key is locked up in the safe.
4. We are in the process of buying a home. When you buy a home, you deal with realtors. Realtors are really people who did not make it as used car salesmen.
5. They say the best exercise happens in the bedroom. I believe it. That's where I get the most resistance.
6. On my recent trip in British Airways, the flight attendant got really upset with me because I didn't eat all my food. She wagged her finger at me and said, "Sir, you really shouldn't waste all that food. There are people starving on Egypt Air."
7. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
8. The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
9. Women need a reason. Men need a place.
10. My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

1. The United States and Great Britain are two great nations separated by a common language.
2. I asked my dad, "Dad, which hand do you use to stir your coffee?" My dad replied, "I used my right hand!" I smiled and replied, "That's funny, dad, I use a spoon."
3. Always Give 100% At Work: 12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
4. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside
5. Men hate to lose. A woman once beat her husband at tennis. She asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
6. I don't think Shakespeare knew what the hell he was talking: If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat all day and drink beer.
8. Women like silent men because they think they're listening.
9. Women don't talk about this publicly, but the Ultimate Fantasy of any woman from any culture down the ages has been to have two men at once: One cooking and the other cleaning.
10. Ever since Eve gave Adam the apple, there has been a chronic misunderstanding between the sexes about gifts.

Little Birdie Way up High
Droping Things From The Sky,
Angry Farmer Wipes His Eye,
Glad That Cows Shall Never Fly


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Best way to wish a Happy Birthday to your wife

Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one

cheers !!!!!!!!!

• Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money....
• Theory is when you know everything and nothing is working. Organization is when nothing is working and everyone knows why. Practice is when everything is working and no one knows why.
• What part of the car causes the most accidents? The nut that holds the wheel.
• A man, who surrenders when he's wrong, is Honest. A man who surrenders when not sure, is Wise. A man who surrenders even if he's Right, is a husband.
• There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it and there is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it.
• Newton while sitting in a garden saw an apple falling down and created the Law of Gravity, but it tooks 23 years for him to find this despite his sitting in a toilet.
• A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
• President Bush has a plan. He says that if we need to, we can lower the temperature dramatically just by switching from Fahrenheit to Celsius.
• It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose your own.
• Every wife thinks that her husband is the worst human being on this earth, but actually he is the only person she has known so closely.
• Bathroom Singing was discovered before Locks were invented.
• Found on a toilet wall at a gas station : " We aim to please... you aim too, please."
• Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks back to us we are mentally disturbed
  
  

Just cannot think of anything right now to post... however just thought these quotes would be of some use to me...

1) The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
2) The elevator always comes after you have put down your bag.
3) The explanation of a disaster will be made by a stand-in.
4) The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.
5) The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
6) The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
7) The faster the plane, the narrower the seats.
8) The first myth of management is that it exists; the second myth of management is that success equals skill.
9) The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all of the parts