Selfie

Self checkouts are great if you're in a hurry or don't want to pay for everything.

Disney

I'm pretty sure that if Walt Disney watched Disney Channel today, he would cry.

Buds

I'm thinking about bottling my own urine and selling it. I'll call it "I Can't Believe It's Not Bud Light."

Bagel

Theoretically, you can't really complain if there's a pubic hair on your everything bagel.

Global Warming

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

Polar Vortex

Pizza

Just saw a fat dude lick pizza grease off his shirt so that's the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

Facebook

Why do people who unfriend me in FaceBook always get startled when I show up at their home to conduct an exit interview

Obese

I never realized how overweight my thumbs were until I tried typing on an iPhone.