The hardest thing about working in a restaurant is that your throat is always dry from spitting in everyone's food.

I have a horrible sleeping disorder where I have to wake up every morning and go to work.

• Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
• Edison stole the idea for the light bulb from the light bulb that appeared above his head when he got some idea.
• Will we just know how to play the harp in heaven, or do we need to arrange lessons beforehand?
• I'm not saying he was stupid, but I asked him how to spell Mississippi and he said 'the river or the state?'
• Did this many people have birthdays before FaceBook?
• If you don't have a FaceBook account, all your high school friends just assume you died.
• Kids today don't know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
• I miss the 1980s when cell phones were big enough to cover your face if you saw someone you knew walking toward you. But wait… no worries.. I still can do it with iPad.
• Gone are the days when I could just jump in the pool fully clothed without thinking twice. Thanks a lot, Steve Jobs.
• "Piece of cake" should not mean "Easy!" It should mean "Delicious!"
• When a cop pulls me over I tell him that I don't believe in tickets or laws or authority. However, I do believe in tazers now.
• "Sorry I haven’t been tweeting much lately." – guy who actually thinks people notice when he’s not tweeting
• Since there are more Chinese people than any other race on Earth, does that mean they have normal eyes and we have big crazy googly ones?
• Between texting, tweeting and E-mails, I haven't spoken a word in the last 3 years.
• I looked down on the earth from an airplane yesterday and there are PLENTY of trees left, don't worry!
• I just had an AMAZING salad at McDonalds. The toppings I chose were 2 big macs & 10 chicken mc nuggets with 3 sweet & sour packs as dressing
• Top 5 causes of loose stools: 5. Indian food 4. Lactose 3. Coffee 2. Mexican food 1. IKEA
• I lost twenty pounds in three minutes with diet and exercise and Photoshop!
• When I get in a crowded elevator I can't stop myself from trying to guess everybody's weight and comparing it with the total capacity
• The only reason why I consider Laughter as the “Best” medicine is it doesn’t involve a $30 copay.
• My mother adviced me to make the little things in life count. So from tomorrow onwards I'm gonna run free math seminars for midgets.