Selfie

Self checkouts are great if you're in a hurry or don't want to pay for everything.

Disney

I'm pretty sure that if Walt Disney watched Disney Channel today, he would cry.

Buds

I'm thinking about bottling my own urine and selling it. I'll call it "I Can't Believe It's Not Bud Light."

Bagel

Theoretically, you can't really complain if there's a pubic hair on your everything bagel.

Global Warming

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

Polar Vortex

Pizza

Just saw a fat dude lick pizza grease off his shirt so that's the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

Facebook

Why do people who unfriend me in FaceBook always get startled when I show up at their home to conduct an exit interview

Obese

I never realized how overweight my thumbs were until I tried typing on an iPhone.

How was ultimatum given before the invension of Highways ??  Its either My WAY or THE OTHER WAY ??? 

Office Woes

Whenever I say "I'll shoot you an email," it makes me wish I could shoot you in email.

iPads

Someone asked me why I dont buy iPads...  Reason, Simple.. I just turn my iPhone into iPads by holding it closer to my face.. 

Advertisement

Promoting a film with "From the producers of..." is like advertising a sandwich with the words "From the supermarket that also sells jam".

Bored

This is how I look when am bored.

Life

Life is like toilet paper. Either you're on a roll or you're taking shit from some asshole!

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

Why fart and waste when you can burp and taste?

I just got the bill for my wife's delivery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks.

Women drivers are like stars in the sky. You can see them, but they can't see you.

My job is such a closely guarded secret, even I don't know what I'm doing.

"Artificial Insemination" is procreation without recreation

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Just found out that I can add some variety to my sex life, just by using the other hand!

My wife and I finally became sexually compatible... We achieve simultaneous headaches.

You should stop calling yourself hot when the only thing you turn on is the microwave.

Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

A man with his tool in a woman's mouth can also be a dentist.

Fate is like getting raped, if you can't fight it learn to enjoy it.

Crack found in man's buttocks.

Just because men have one, doesn't mean they have to be one.

A guy says to another, "I've Facebook, Orkut, Twitter, Google+, Skype, YIM & MSN..."

The friend asks, "Hey dude, do you have a life...?" 

The guy screams, "Oh my God, no... Please send me the link..."

A broken trust can be described as melted chocolate...No matter how hard you try to freeze it, it will never return to its true shape...!!

My work ethic could best be described as "procrastinate as much as possible then frantically scream OH F*** right before the deadline."

I can remember just 10 years ago, I had no idea what to do with all the pictures I took of my lunch. Thanks, Facebook!

Confidence? Oh yeah I've heard of that. It comes in a variety of bottles and you have to be 21 to buy it.

Looking at the number of emails I receive from Nigeria I feel it must be tough for an honest Nigerian businessman to make a living

Your password must contain an upper and lower case letter, two numbers and a bunch of symbols that look like comic strip swearing.

Darwin would have been the greatest person had he predicted that Butterflies would evolve to become "Tattoos"

The hardest thing about working in a restaurant is that your throat is always dry from spitting in everyone's food.